she loves ny guide to etiquette and the like
lies & headaches: lies
We don't take reservations, sir;
My apologies sir, you cannot smoke here;
We're at capacity at the moment, sir;
I'm sorry sir, we’re closed for a private party tonight;
Seating here is general admission only, sir;
At the bar the sushi is not available, sir;
Regrettably, that table is reserved for another party, sir;
Unfortunately, sir, we don't serve the Paillard before 11 pm;
We will be able to seat you when your entire party is here, sir;
This table, sir, is only for larger groups;
We're about to close, sir;
I’m sorry to say that we’ve run out of miso glazed black cod,
The gentleman is aware that he will rarely, if ever, in places
such as New York, hear a word so abrupt and distasteful as "no."
Rather, he understands that he will encounter certain quote-unquote lies
(many of which the gentleman will find listed above), which have been
designed by highly celebrated goons, henchmen, and henchwomen, to serve
as placeholders for an answer more explicitly and barbarically in the
negative. The gentleman is equally aware that he must make quite certain
that the lady is not made to hear these lies – neither secondhand,
recycled foolishly by the gentleman himself, nor as told to her directly
by a regrettably brash sort of person.
Ultimately, the gentleman knows that there is a decidedly inverse
relationship between the Lady's contentedness and the number of lies with
which she is made to contend, or worse, forced herself to dispute.
The gentleman will avoid lies like he would avoid the plague.
If the gentleman is certain, or is of a good mind, that he will be presented
a lie should he go down a certain path, he will not go down that path.
Maintaining a savvy mind, a swift command of his wits, and full employ
of his resources and relationships, he will anticipate, dodge, and debunk
these half-, quarter-, and non-truths. He is aware that these lies are
designed for, and delivered to, the common, Shecky's-using man—the
very type of person the urban gentleman must never come to resemble.
2.1 Logistics, Advanced
The gentleman will, for example, talk to Mr. Ivan ahead of time
should he plan on ordering a bit of something from Kittichai all the way
upstairs at a60. Or, should the lady want to dine at Frank, the gentleman
will not say, "they don't take reservations, beautiful, do you mind
Waiting?" Rather he will recognize the lie inherent to this statement
ahead of time and obtain the private reservations number given out to
2.2 Logistics, Disputes
Though the gentleman should feel free to dispute lies in public,
he will not characterize these objections with aggressive, provocative,
or belligerent behavior. He is aware that he will most likely be unsuccessful
in such grotesque displays of bravery and/or idiocy. He is also aware
that such displays rarely, if ever, conclude without the gentleman having
suffered from atrophy of his dignity.
2.3 Logistics, Advanced II, In Which He Can Always Resort to
The gentleman is aware that one solution of breathtaking simplicity
does exist in this dance around the truth: Currency. Thusly, should the
gentleman find himself without a currency-non-centric option, he will
resort to the timeless, gentlemanly, and decidedly currency-centric art
of tipping his way into favor with the goons. Of course, the gentleman
will do so such that the lady does not bear witness.